DWELL Missional Church of Burlington, Vermont - A Vermont Church Seeking to be missional in all areas of life.

Posted by: Zach Hoag | August 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment(2)

So I know I was supposed to wait until next week to post this, but I couldn't. Baptism is coming up this Sunday, and I want everyone to be able to read this chapter before Trevor takes the plunge. For those who don't know, this is the sixth chapter in Trevor's continuing Redemption Story called Diaries of a Newborn Christian. Let this soak into your mind and soothe your heart with the encouragement that God is real, he is here, and his Spirit is doing that wonderful gospel work in our midst.

Diaries of a Newborn Christian
Chapter 6: The Day

Well, here it is, the day God put his hand on me and helped me understand what's going on. At this point I was dabbling with praying and trying to understand what all this religious stuff was, going through the Christian motions. I was going to church and trying to be nicer to people. I was holding doors for people, letting cars go in front of me, and all the simple day to day things I should be doing as a kind human being. But, I was still not down with the whole God/Jesus thing. I enjoyed the community of the church and really loving all my new found friends. Josh and Alicia are super killer, Grant and Rachel are very sweet and the list goes on. The kids love church and Sunny doesn't seem to mind going, that's a bonus for me.

So on this day, Sunny and the kids were at a birthday party in Castleton at one of her cousins. I had to work that day with JIF, a local landscaping outfit and some dear friends of mine, thanks to their daughter, who is one of my best friends. I decided to go to church on my own and see everybody and keep plugging away at this whole faith/believer thing. I got there and went through the normal routine of saying hi to everyone and found a spot next to Kalen. My girl K, good ole special K. I love that girl, she really is the sister I've always wanted. I don't think anyone can make me laugh like she does. She is very honest and very funny. Her humor is subtle and she's an easy target, but she takes it so well. I feel good being around her, safe.

So big man Z got up and started the sermon, He opened the show with the usual updates and general talks. He explained we would be talking about core values and some other important stuff. I'm still really trying to listen and retain all this information he's putting forth. You know, all the hours he puts into his sermon and I dismantle it in a matter of seconds by just not listening.. How bad is that? Ugh! Like when you're watching a TV commercial for the 100th time and your wife says, "Did you hear me?" "Huh? Oh yeah babe." You reply, "Got it." When really all you heard her say was, "ear me?"

So Zach went on speaking about core values 159-3-5 or whatever, I'm not trying to disrespect the mans work, but, it's just hard for a non-believer to listen especially with ADHD! Oh look, gum. I try to, it will always be a struggle, I'm best when I can hear or see it 1000 times before I go, "Ohhh, ok, I get it now." When Z stopped, my main man Josh got up with George and Grant to worship the Lord. Ah, music, I love it, "I will sing the heck outta most of these songs today," I thought to myself. No Sunny to look at me and giggle at me while I'm trying to capture something. It's hard to sit through church with someone that is just there to be there for you and the kids. There is a nagging feeling that if I let go and just get into it, I will get picked on until the end of days by her, but, that's not fair to her, it's my own hang up.

So with no Sunny, I said to myself, "This will be fun." The boys in the band warmed up with a good song that most knew and sang along with. I faked it pretty good. Then after a little prayer between songs like my boy Josh does, we sang "Choice." This song will forever be in my mind and my heart, as this was the song that changed me forever.

But, let me step back a week, I was praying to God in my room one night and I asked him to help me understand, help me get it, I asked him to speak to me in a way I would understand. A way that would make me believe without a doubt. Like a WHOA factor. I need things like that to affirm my already suspicious mind.

So we were rocking out the song and Josh was really singing it and George was banging on those bongos with precision. I was singing and just enjoying myself thoroughly. Then Josh did this break down where it was just Him and George on the bongos. I started getting a little burning in my head, no big deal, I'm about to yawn. Then like a blast I was overwhelmed with what seemed like a controlled uncontrolled adrenaline rush. I couldn't hold it in, the tears came, the burning grew stronger, the singing got louder in chorus and Josh's voice was piercing me with every word. I was alone in a room full of people. I was looking around to see if anybody was looking at me as I was looking for someone to snap me out of this! My head was reeling, my heart was pounding, my hand was trying to reach for Kalen but I was afraid she would have freaked out thinking I was joking and tell me to get lost or something. I'm shallow breathing at this point, hearts banging through my chest. Josh's voice is unrelenting, the bongos are pulling my heart out, holding back the tears and the intense burning in my heart. I looked around for another familiar face that would know I wasn't screwing around. The song is getting louder in my head. I looked at Zach, his head was down and eyes closed, Nick was in the front row not looking at me. I glanced over and saw a beacon, Bobbi, she would hug me, I had an overwhelming sense to find someone to hold onto.

I started in a way what seemed like slow motion, my legs all stiff and frozen, I had to kick myself to go, my feet didn't want to move. The burning was still there, at any moment I felt like I could have just collapsed into a ball and cried myself into oblivion. The voices of everyone carried my heart to my throat. As I finally got out of the pews and rounded the corner to the back of church, I headed towards Bobbi then I saw a very familiar face. Jim, Jim Hoag. I b-lined right to him and grabbed him. He looked at me and called me a knuckle head and then he really looked at me and he new something was up. So he grabbed back onto me and held me. As I sat in his arms I tried not to ball like a baby, I had all I could do to fight it back. As the song kept pulling me and pulling me towards it, the feeling was so insane and wouldn't go away and only burned in my chest. I wasn't scared, I was just overcome with something awesome and my body couldn't handle it. As the song ended, I can't explain it in perfect words, but I was subdued, I was humbled, awed, loved, full, and just simply amazed. The band went right into another song, I looked at Jim and he said, "Wow, what's going on with you?" I mumbled something unintelligible I'm sure. I looked at him, wiped my tears and went back to my spot next to Kalen. Jim, being the awesome father and friend that he is followed me back. Asking me questions that I really don't remember right now. I'm sure it was about what I was experiencing, and how I was feeling. I do remember him saying that was the hand of God, how do you like him now? I smiled at this and was just knocked off my feet.

Few things in my life have taken my breath away, or even stopped me in my tracks, but on this day, I was in fact, glad to have been delivered that blow. During the rest of the service, I kept my head low and was just lost in a trance, kind of a daze. I was there, but not really. It sounds all so romantic to me, maybe that's a lame analogy, but I can't think of anything else that makes sense to me to explain it to you. Like love at first sight, it's a hard thing to come by, but if you're lucky enough to have that, then you know how it feels. When your core gets rocked so hard you can't help but pay attention to what just happened. When the service got done, I was taken aback and I explained my story to everyone that was listening. Jim gave me some Scripture that identified with what happened to me.

1 Samuel 10: 5-6
After that you will come to Gibeath-elohim, also known as "God's Hill," where the garrison of the Philistines is. As you arrive there you will meet a band of prophets coming down the hill playing a psaltery, a timbrel, a flute, and a harp, and prophesying as they come. At that time the Spirit of the Lord will come mightily upon you, and you will prophesy with them and you will feel and act like a different person.

That's pretty amazing I thought, something I've never read before or even thought was a possibility in the Bible. What's up?!

So, This is my day, this is the day God made me a believer. The day he spoke to me through life and music. Today was the first day my eyes opened, my walls were shattered in an instant. My heart was so full of love, grace, happiness, and I feel amazing. I feel blessed to have had that experience, and I was so happy that it happened within the walls of Dwell. I will forever be grateful to the Hoags for loving me for all my faults and short comings and never really giving up on me. Just like Jesus never gave up on me. Just like Jesus never gives up on us all. Feel the love, and spread the word with love and relationships. Start a community or join ours and get the love Jesus wants us to have.

A special thanks to my dear loving bros Zach and Nick for being my friends first, and letting me become apart of the spiritual family I have been searching for. Jim and Bobbi will forever be my mom and dad, I love you all, you unrelenting lovers of Jesus Christ. Xoxo

Dwell Missional Church will forever always be my church. Thank you for the life lessons.

Amen,

Trevor

Ps This doesn't end here, I will keep writing and if you want to keep reading let me know and I will make it happen.

 

comment

Posted by: Zach Hoag | August 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment(1)

This is the fifth chapter in Trevor's continuing Redemption Story called Diaries of a Newborn Christian. Enjoy.

Diaries of a Newborn Christian
Chapter 5: He Tears the Walls Down

So, it's getting to be summer time now, minus all the rain we've had. The Maple Festival has passed by, the green is getting greener, the farms are spreading their, um, mess on the fields and the days are getting a little bit longer. Here's an update on my family as I mentioned in chapter one. My father was diagnosed with Cancer and well, we are not focusing on that part so much, it's a tumor on his kidney, and it's only on his kidney. The tumor has to be removed as well as the kidney. He has to lose 60lbs to have surgery. He's three plus and it's too dangerous for him to be operated on. It's a sad day when you're overweight and you can't have an operation that will potentially save your life. My brothers Lupus has him running ragged, he has transfusions three days a week now and his kidneys are gone, useless. The both of them are in good spirits and staying positive. My brother and I go off-roading in "Candace" (my jeep) to pass the time and bond. It's the one thing we both enjoy together and can do all day with minimal stress.

Now at this point I've been very into this whole religious thing. I've been catching flack from some of my friends and family and support and nurturing from some of my friends and family. It's very weird how religion affects so many people in so many ways. Everyone seems to have an opinion on it, and how they envision religion and how it is or should be. So, being the super number one positive guy that I am, *ahem* I try and focus on what's important to me. I take all criticism and support and learn how to use it. I keep reading my book Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller and getting lost and trying to understand it all, the faith you must have for such a belief is huge!

I'm trying to wrap my head around the total trust and love you have for an imaginary friend. Ya know, like when you were a kid, some of you may have had an imaginary friend, it was probably Jesus. Just saying, someone had to give you that friend. That's how I see it. I'm totally seeing things blindly, though I can see you and everything you believe. It's hard to understand something that I've rebelled against for so long, I ask myself, is this what I'm really doing? Why am I doing this? What is it that this guy (Jesus) wants from me? I know all the, "What it's like to be a Christian" motions, but, I can't see myself living like a Christian. It's not that I don't want to, it just seems way out of my realm of possibility. Having to be nice and loving to everyone!?!? Hi, my name is Trevor, have we met? It's so foreign to me, I have a lot of love but I also have a LOT of, um, well, we'll call it anger issues. I've been for so long, crushed, so crushed in fact that, I've got a titanium bubble around me and it's lead sealed and rigged with explosives. Try and get near my heart and you will be destroyed, not kidding. Ask my wife, it's very hard to get really emotionally deep with me, let alone go love someone that I've judged as being worse or less than myself. Hey man, tough it out, you want to know why I'm such a jerk? Cause I've been there pal, and look at me now kid. Don't come at me with some sob story, been there, lived it, and I'm great now.

Yeah, see where I've been for almost 25ish years. It's ugly what I've become inside. How could I be this guy, why do people flock to me still? I will cut you down every chance I get and laugh at you. Nothing is getting in and I'm not letting anything out. Sure, I love people, but I had to measure them on my, "ok you can be my friend" scale. But here's the thing, I've been so fake to myself that I forgot what the real me was. Through my early years of a rebellious teen trying to fit in, I went through some crazy stuff, trying to be happy and get a sense of completion, of wholeness and what life held for me. How did I get so far away from myself and my right to receive love and give love. I walk with a HUGE attitude, and I purposely give off a "don't even look at me" vibe. This is what has been me for soooo long, I'm just scraping the surface to give you an idea of what I was. Drugs, drinking, family abandonment, other things that I won't mention for the website. I was so lost and so searching for what?! I knew what I was doing, and this was not what my heart or my soul was feeling. I was trying to shut it out and shut it up. Temporary fixes that some drug addicts face, this search for happiness and purpose was my drug, my addiction. I did whatever I could do to be happy and shut that "this is wrong!" feeling down.

You think you know someone man, just look around you, people in your everyday life could be reaching out for something or someone and you may not even see it. It's crazy to think about it, all the people that just get so lost and are searching for what? Ugh, is all I can say. All these Charlie Browns out there, just never catching a break. All the bad luck that just seems to come their way. Good grief. You may never see it, because like me, they have just as tough of a wall as I have. So why wouldn't someone with such a dismal life seek out faith? Or even try to chase that bad luck away, or change their life to make it better?

What about the people that are doing great and have no real issues?

What does a non-believer not have that a believer or a faithful person of God may have? Love? Maybe non-believers have so much love in their life already. I know it's not God's love, but we are talking about non-believers here. Community? Hey, I'm surrounded with such good friends and family, I have a great community. Health? Perfect. Money? Got it. Wife/Kids? Got them too, love them a lot. Job? Making ends meet and saving. Life seems good for said non-believer, but what really is the difference?

I'm coming into faith, you're already there. What would make me just believe, like yourself, what would tear my walls down, what would make me a full on feet first, head over heals believer? Do you know? Do you really know? If you have that single one answer, I'm not going to believe you. Do you want to know why I don't believe you?

You can say, have a relationship with God and Jesus. Ok, I think I'm rolling with that. Give yourself to him fully, I'm trying. Do good things, I'm working on that. Love everyone, I'm learning. Don't sin, well, I'm doing my best. Spread his word, still figuring out that word. I just named 5 things, not just one thing will make you a believer or a follower of Christ. It is a whole identity, it's a whole type of reasoning, it's a whole way of life, a way of love and way of teaching without dictating, it's Jesus, man, just live for Jesus. Live for Jesus and eventually, and I do mean eventually (13 years later) you will believe. Every person is different and God will come to you and you will believe. You can believe and it does not hurt when you believe and you will feel so blessed when you realize, that you do believe in that imaginary friend that everyone speaks of in one shape or another. Simply amazing.

So as tough as I am and so jerky as I've been, God has found a way to speak to me and tear down my walls in seconds. Next week..

Next week will be my last installment for this blog for Dwell Missional Church. The adventure is far from over and I will continue to write and eventually put a book out for my first year as a Christian.

Next week's blog will be my revelation, my hand of God story. I hope you enjoy it as I will never forget it.

Love,

Trevor

 

comment

Posted by: Zach Hoag | August 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment(0)

For all of you 8/23 podcast listeners, this is the Death song that I referenced at the end of the message. I saw Rough Francis perform this song last Saturday night at Nectar's, and I gotta say, I was inspired. So good.

Hit "continue" below to go to the embedded song...

continue

Posted by: Zach Hoag | August 22, 2009 | Leave a Comment(4)

This is the fourth chapter in Trevor's continuing Redemption Story called Diaries of a Newborn Christian. Enjoy.

Diaries of a Newborn Christian
Chapter 4: The Building Breakfasts

So Zach wants to read a book with me, of course it's not the latest issue of Thrasher Magazine, no, no, no, that would be too simple. He says, Let's read a religious book. I thought, Greeeeaaattt... I don't really read all that much I gotta say, surprising I know. So I said sure. He suggested a couple of books he's already read and I was like, Um? Wait a second, let me see if I understand you, you want to read a book with me that you've already read? Yeah, he says. I replied as nice as I could, I don't think so bud, it's got to be a book neither of us have read. I don't need him having some upper religious hand on me. C'mon, not me. He was like, oh, ok, got any suggestions, I just looked at him, and he said ok, I will pick it out. I shook my head at him to say, yeah, that's a better idea.

At this point Z man and I were meeting every Tuesday for breakfast at a local diner called Airport Parkway Diner. I love this little greasy place, history, the waitresses are very kind and know what I like. I get it with out ordering it. So Z and I get together and shoot the breeze, catch up on our weekend stuff and just talk. It was cool, I enjoy these meetings, and it's good to have a friend that actually cares about you and your day to day crap. It is great to do and we don't really talk about religion unless I bring it up, which was a reaffirmation that Z was here to be my friend and not some corrupt Christian trying to get me to change my ways. He was there to be my friend first, and if I came into God that was just a bonus for him.

So at this point, our families have become heavily intertwined, which to me is the most amazing thing I could have ever asked for. I've been dreaming of the days where I could share everything I love with my friends, something traditions are built on and continue for years. The things we do may not seem spectacular, but you know what, it's pretty amazing to me, and I cherish every moment we hang out. They don't shun us because we have kids and work full time. They make time for us and go out of there way to be a part of our lives. It's pretty sad when I got to force some of my family members to hang out with us, and my friends are a text away from chilling. They have become so close to my heart that I get sad when I don't hear from them after a couple of days. Lame, I know, but that's ok, because I am who I am and I just love 'em so much. It's like not talking to my wife after a couple hours, I get all sad and I think about her so hard, that she texts me some love when I'm at work. I'm on a rant, I see that now.. Moving on.

So Zach brings in this book to breakfast one day and says, here ya go. I read an old book by him and this is his latest installment that I have not read. I look at the soft covered book. Yellow with a big hand pointing. Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller Looks interesting I tell him. Then the waitress pipes in as she reaches our table, You guys doing a book club thing? Zach replies, Well, we are now I guess. I looked at her and laughed, Yeah, we're nerds. She smiled and said, Ohh exciting, what can I get your friend? We discussed how far we would read in the book and discuss it next Tuesday at breakfast. That would prove to be annoying later, as Zach reads as a snail travels... So as we left breakfast that day I had a new venture to tackle, read something that was totally going to bore me to tears. How was I going to fudge my way through this? I looked at it and threw it in the back seat with a sigh. I could feel the warm Christian hands wrapping there hands around my heart, in my best super hero in trouble monologue, Must... resist... growing weaker...

When I got home that night, Sunny was like, What was the book Zach got you to read? I showed her and she smiled with a mocking smirk that looks very cute on her, btw. I told her how we were to read 3 chapters by next Tuesday. She looked at me with apprehension and said, good luck babe. I scowled at her, knowing she was dead right. So that night I crawled into bed with my new challenge. I looked at the book and said, You better keep my attention or we will have long walks by the trash can. So, with my best nerdy face, I started reading it and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, I moved through the pages relatively easy, I actually started to enjoy it. Donald Miller spoke my language, I could relate to this religious mumbo-jumbo, I thought. Next thing you know, it was midnight and I was on chapter 3. I shut the light off 12:10. Wow, ok I thought, this will be easier then I thought, I looked over and Sunny was already asleep and snoring.

So at our next breakfast meeting I was very excited to discuss the book with him. And it figures, he didn't read it. What a jerk, he gets me all excited about the book and the discussions we were going to have about it, then nothing... Lame...! Epic Fail! I didn't let him get away with it to easily, as you can imagine. So he said go to chapter 5 by next week and he'd be caught up. I was a little angst-ridden about the whole thing, so I told him I would read it and he better catch up! I'm such a jerk all the time, I know, it's me I guess, that's just the way I've been for so long, it's another layer to the walls I've built around me and my heart.

So, next week comes and this kid better be ready, I'm into this book heavily and I'm actually having a hard time not reading it. So for me to have that much self-control is epic. I usually, just say, screw you, I'm doing what I want, zing, I'm out! But, since I was on a path of new beginnings, I waited for this guy to catch up. So, as I went through the book, I underlined a few things that stuck out to me and I'm going to share them with you. They may make no sense to you, but to me, as non-Christian (at the time) this is what spoke to me:

Chapter 2 Imposters: Page 31
I didn't have a relationship with God; I had a relationship with a system of simple ideas, certain prejudices, and a feeling that I and people who thought as I did, were right.

Chapter 4 Free Verse: Page 53
It makes you want to live in a community like that when you think about the way things were when Jesus had touched people.

Chapter 5 Naked: Page 67
I'll bet Adam felt loved by God, like he was somebody God was always trying to bless and surprise with amazing experiences.

God made me, He knows me, He understands me and He wants community.

Chapter 9 Jesus: Page 144 (my favorite)
Back then, it was best to look a certain way and talk a certain way and act a certain way in order to make the religion look good, and Jesus pretty much smashed all that to pieces. This was a great trouble for people who were in the business of running a public relations campaign for God.

Now, these are just some of the early underlines I had, I think they pretty much explain how I was feeling without getting to deep into my psyche. Now, I'm going to do an exercise that will make you look again. Read those 4 inserts again and read them with love and thought and make a positive Christian message using the words that are there from the first to the last chapter. Here's what I came up with.

"I didn't have a relationship with God, Like that when you think about the way things were, God was always trying to bless and surprise with amazing experiences, Jesus pretty much smashed all that to pieces."

What relationships do we carry as believers, and what relationships do we carry when we are non-believers? What needs to be torn down in order for us to see what God is doing for us?

Now read the first line to the first comma, and the last line after the last comma.

That's what I'm saying..

Next week,
T

comment

Posted by: Zach Hoag | August 22, 2009 | Leave a Comment(1)

This is the third chapter in Trevor's continuing Redemption Story called Diaries of a Newborn Christian. Enjoy.

Diaries of a Newborn Christian
Chapter 3: A Look Back

So, I fulfilled my obligatory friendship by going to Zach's church. There, I'm done with that whole thing and now we can move forward and become stronger friends. I saw his whole deal and was super motivated for him to do well. I offered my help in any way, shape, or form for his success. Just don't make me go to church again. You know what's funny, I'm going way back and off track of what's happening in these moments to bring you to where I am mentally about religion. So I'm going back to about a year ago.

My little, little squeaky boy Nick has grown up and was now becoming a man and taking the leap of faith in marriage. My family was invited, of course, and we accepted. I mean, it's the last Hoag to move into adulthood and I wanted to share in the experience as I did with Zach when he took the plunge years ago. I tried to tell Nick to run, but, like a good boy he didn't listen to me. The wedding day was a scorcher of a day, the theme was "HOT," oh my hot. I HATE wearing suits or dressing up and I HATE humidity with every ounce of my body, so I was super comfortable... My wife was very beautiful and loves dressing up and LOVES the heat. Polar opposites, that's why it works for us. I drift, I know, so the day was very sunny and very beautiful. The wedding was held outside and Jim Hoag was the Preacher/Pastor/Father of ceremonies. Joy was a stunning bride to be, beautiful black hair and an amazing dress, she walked down the aisle with grace and beauty. Nick looked good too, I mean, who cares, it's all about the bride and everyone knows this.

Jim came up to speak and he was glowing like a proud father, he finally started to talk after a brief moment of silence and got this show on the road. Jim was great, he kept it uplifting, funny, serious, and emotional and it was a pleasant ceremony in the HOT, HOT, HOT sun. Throughout the day Jim kept asking everyone to take an experience from God from this wonderful day. Now, I'm going to tell you what I experienced, take it for what it is at face value or read way into it and you will see later on why this moment in time was the start of my conversion. I can say without hesitation that on Nick and Joy's wedding day I felt the presence of God and for a fleeting moment I was, for the lack of a better word, amazed.

I was sitting in my chair amongst the crowd as Jim was giving his sermon, I looked up to the sky for whatever reason and caught two birds flying around the barn. I got trapped and couldn't stop watching them, they flew all around each other, lofting through the air with such ease. They came close to each other on several little fly-by's and it was very beautiful, I thought to myself. Then, just like an explosion it hit me, an overwhelming sense of emotion, my eyes watered up and it felt like my chest was being compressed like a hand was pushing the air out of my lungs. I choked, I gasped, and then it was gone. My eyes dried up and the birds were gone. I looked around and everybody was still looking forward. I glanced over at Sunny, my wife and she had no idea what just had happened to me. She looked at me and smiled, "This is a really nice wedding, Joy looks so lovely, don't you think?" I just nodded my head at her. I thought, WTH Just happened to me?! Was I having a heat stroke? A heart attack? I looked up at the sky again hoping to see those damn birds or for some kind of answer, nothing but an empty blue sky and a burning bright sun. It was just an unexplained phenomenon that has never happened to me before, so lame. Without going into every single detail about the wedding I can give you a quick short version. It was a great day and there was lots of love and caring, great food, a great band and a new bond that was forged that day. I want to tell you that I went home and picked up the bible and started to read it, I started listening to Christian radio, watched a sermon on TV or I started to tell everyone about my near death/religious experience, but I did none of the above. I shrugged it off and I went about my daily business. That night though, when I laid in bed next to my wonderful wife I sat up awake trying to relive or capture that moment again. I replayed everything that was going on in my head and nothing came to me. I'm going to tell you in reflection of that 10 seconds of whatever that was, was amazing. I was not scared, I felt no pain, I felt so good after that moment, that I tried for several days to try and get it back. No luck! I slept so good that night and I have a hard time sleeping because of all the pain in my arms and my back. It was amazing and I was super happy to have had that feeling, whatever that feeling was.

All this was pretty heavy to me, so I thought about all the talks Jim used to pull me into his office to have, "Now Trevor," Jim would always start off with.

Happy prayers,

Trevor

comment

Posted by: Zach Hoag | August 17, 2009 | Leave a Comment(5)

Our next Redemption Story comes from our friend Rachel Nixon. Rachel is a good family friend of my wife and I, and she grew up going to Jericho Congregational Church. She is currently attending Johnson and Wales University in Providence, RI, but we were absolutely pumped when she expressed a desire to join us for baptism on August 30th. It will be a great honor to take part in this with Rachel and her friends and family...and you'll understand why when you read this awesome story of God's grace and love in her life.

------------------------------

The Beginning - High School and Before: "Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong; You hid your face, and I was troubled" (Psalm 30:7).

When I was in elementary school, my parents became Christians and we started attending church and Sunday school. In 7th grade I started going to youth group, where I met a terrific bunch of girls that had great relationships with the Lord. Their love for God and His Son, Jesus, was so attractive. There was a warm presence about them that seemed to overflow into my heart. We went to camp and on retreats and had many long talks about God, Jesus and the Bible. I wanted to live a life of joy and peace like these girls. And so I did - kind of.

I started my freshmen year with sound morals, a strong character, and an optimistic view on life. Soccer took up most of my time in high school; I loved playing the sport with my new friends, who were also on the team. However, soon distractions began to creep in, mainly in the form of guys. They started noticing me and asking me out. This was something I had never experienced before. Still, I stayed strong in my convictions through most of my freshmen year. Going to Young Life with my brother helped a lot because the leaders talked about Christ in fun and unconventional ways.

However, towards the end of my freshmen year, I had fallen away from my youth group friends. I was still going to Young Life, but mainly because all the older, popular kids went. By the time I was a sophomore, I had stopped attending church regularly and only went to Young Life occasionally - it seemed to have lost its meaning for me. God was getting drowned out by other things, like drinking and partying.

College Life - Take 1: "But she who lives in pleasure is dead while she lives" (1 Timothy 5:6).

By the time I got to college, my partying had intensified. I was never really into drugs; clubbing and alcohol were more my style. I took great interest in things that the world says is important. These things involved boys, the latest fashions, dieting, and making good grades. However, by my junior year in college, society's pressures began to suffocate me. Everything that used to delight me was losing its appeal. Emptiness filled me. My heart ached inside me. What was wrong with me?

I became obsessed with what I ate and how I looked. After all, this was one area of my life that I could control. In other words, I worked out all the time and didn't eat much of anything. Most of my nutrition was derived from Martinis and salad with a few ice cream binges mixed in. All my efforts paid off: the compliments about my new figure streamed in. My latest boyfriend was captain of the hockey team.

Unfortunately, after only two months, he broke up with me... the week before Valentine's Day. I was devastated. Not so much by the fact that I had lost him as by the fact that he was willing to give me up. What was wrong with me? I was supposed to be the heartbreaker, not the other way around. All my hard work: the dieting, the exercising, the routine trips to the tanning bed, the clothes. Nothing seemed to pay off. I had been dumped. This hadn't happened to me since my freshmen year of high school. I had thought that I was always in control of my dating situations, but my recent boyfriend proved me quite wrong. The more I thought about my life, the more anxious I became. Boyfriends, parties, and dieting had become my life. I had given up most of the morals and all of the self respect that I once had. I longed to be strong and stand firm in my beliefs. But I had let my beliefs fly out the window.

My whole life seemed confused and was slowly slipping out of my control. I tried to compensate by doing the things I thought made me happy: A trip to the mall, a session in the tanning bed, a nice bottle of wine. But suddenly my "happiness fixes" weren't working anymore. In fact, they almost seemed to be contributing to the problem. The more I tried shopping, diets, boys, and alcohol, the emptier I felt.

College Life - Take 2: "The Lord is near to all who call upon him, to all who call upon him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them" (Psalm 145:18, 19).

I decided to take a road trip to Vermont for Valentine's. I would spend the weekend with mother. She would comfort me. I couldn't bear the thought of a dateless Valentine's back at school. I knew I would just be fixated on my ex and what he was doing. That night I lay in bed unable to sleep. I knew I should've had one more glass of wine! I felt pathetic. I was home on Valentine's weekend without a date. No chocolates, no flowers, no phone calls. On my night table my mother always had set devotional books. I picked up the most recent devotional book she had left there. It was about talking and listening to God's voice. I read a few pages then set the book back down. I got up out of bed and looked out the window. The sky was clear, the stars were shinning and the moon was bright. It was beautiful. I felt the same sense of awe I had felt as a little girl.

"Okay, God," I said. "If you are real, show me. If you truly care, show me. Give me a sign." I waited to hear God's voice. Silence. I stared at the moon expecting it to fall from the sky. It didn't. I kept waiting for something. Anything. I did feel a strange presence as I looked out across the meadow, but I couldn't tell if it was God -- or my alcohol buzz wearing off.

College Life - Take 3: "For you were once darkness, but now you are a light to the Lord. Walk as children of the light" (Ephesians 5:8).

I returned to school feeling just the same. The void inside my heart continued to grow. Each day I looked for something new to fill the emptiness. I couldn't understand why I felt like this. I had a wonderful life, my own apartment, a great family and amazing friends. I looked good, made good grades and was living the perfect college life. I literally had everything but a boyfriend. Perhaps that was the problem. If I got another boyfriend, then I would be satisfied. Or maybe if I lost a few more pounds I'd be happy. Or maybe if I bought that cute pair of shoes I'd be content.

The emptier I felt, the more I began to drink. However the parties had become dull and the club scene wasn't fun for me anymore. Something had changed. Now, when guys asked for my number and paid me compliments, I was annoyed. Strange. I used to be thrilled when this happened. Slowly I began to see things as they really are. How had I been so blind before? It was as if someone had lifted a curtain from my eyes. Even though my lifestyle disgusted me, I had no idea how I was ever going to change.

College Life - Take 4: "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith" (1 Peter 5:8, 9a).

When I wasn't drinking, scary thoughts began to creep into my head. I wanted something more than the life I was living. I kept remembering my life when I was strong in character. Back in eighth and ninth grade I could say no to alcohol. I wasn't obsessed with my looks or dating. I didn't have to live the way everyone else was living. My morals and beliefs all revolved around good things taught from the bible. I remembered how happy I was during those years of my life. I then became saddened and depressed. I had gone too far and done too many things that I was ashamed of. I could never return to the pureness and happiness I had experienced as a child. Surely God wouldn't forgive me. He seemed too far away to really care about me.

I was plagued by a recurring question, one I constantly tried to avoid: Is this as good as it gets? There had to be something more. As I considered my purpose in life, thoughts of death started to circle my brain. I wondered if I would go to heaven when I died. I knew I was young and still had a full life ahead of me, but I could not stop thinking about it. I started drinking even more to block out the thoughts. Soon I started to get a burning sensation in my chest and stomach.

A trip to the doctor confirmed that I had acute acid reflux. I remember the doctor saying he was relieved that he didn't see any tumors. That scared me! Tumors in my throat? That could kill me! What if I was going to die? Where would I end up? I was pretty sure I would go to heaven, but I wasn't positive. The fear started to get to me. Again I started wondering about God and what He thought of me. Was He sick of all the terrible things I had done in my life? I began feeling guilty, so I started praying and reading a daily devotional. Maybe that would make God like me a little more, and He would help me feel better. After all, nothing else seemed to work, especially not the partying. I begged God to show me what to do about this emptiness. I confessed that I needed Him and not what the world offered. I remember hearing my mother once say that God will always give you a way out of temptation. I prayed he would.

The next weekend I decided I was only going to binge drink one night. I was afraid my acid reflux would get worse if I drank more than that. After a long night of meaningless drinking, I woke up with a very real fear that I needed something more in my life. I felt I needed to change my life. I feared I just couldn't change because this lifestyle was who I had become. I didn't like this intense feeling. It was like darkness was trying to smother me. So I got up and opened a bottle of wine. I got through a glass and a half before I couldn't take the pain in my chest. My acid reflux was far from being cured and it was excruciating to drink. I set my glass down. What was I doing? I was literally killing myself right now. Drinking so much could cause tumors in my throat. My hangovers were making me sleep deprived. My dieting and over exercising was leaving me tired and too thin. I was wasting tons of money and effort on my appearance. None of it was making me happy, or validating me as a person. I was throwing my life away.

That day I made my mind up. I decided I was going to change; I wanted this darkness to leave me. That day I ran to the park. I sat on a bench and prayed. In short, I surrendered. I wanted the life God intended me to live. I prayed He would open my eyes to His truth. He did. The next day I woke to a whole new world. The darkness was still present, but there was a sense of hope. I could see a light through the dark tunnel.

College Life - Take 5: "No temptation has overtaken you except that such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make a way of escape, that you will be able to bear it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Slowly the light began to grow and I followed it. I started seeing the whole world in a different way. It was as if I had been blind before. I realized God had revealed His truth to me that night at the club, when I saw how repulsive my behavior was. There was nothing left to do. I turned from the darkness that was chasing me and ran straight into God's arms. Even though I was laden with guilt and shame, God kept whispering, "I love you."

I didn't know it at the time, but God was answering my prayers for a way out of my old life. He did this by giving me acid reflux. I told my friends I wouldn't be drinking or partying until it was cured. During my recovery, God changed my life and showed me that I never have to return to that lifestyle ever again.

One of the ways He showed me His love was by giving me a great Christian friend at school and a faithful accountability partner from home. God connected me with a college ministry where I have fellowship with other people who love Him, and a church, where I learned more about Him. I also started asking my parents questions about their faith and about this mysterious God who seemed to love me so much. They reassured me of His love for me and suggested I start reading the Bible.

Life Today - And Forever: "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. Therefore if the son makes you free, you shall be free indeed" (John 8:32, 36).

Throughout this journey, I've had bumps and doubts and fears, but God is faithful. There was a time recently when everything seemed dark. I still felt condemned about my past, and I feared God didn't -- couldn't -- love me anymore. It was during this trial that God demonstrated how Jesus' life and death are evidence of His unfailing love. He reminded me that He would never leave me nor forsake me. He told me that when Jesus was nailed to the cross, so were my sins. He told me that I am forgiven.

I have fallen in love with God and am convinced that nothing can separate me from His love. Now that I have Jesus, I know that I will never be condemned by my sins or this world again. I have decided to follow Him and the life God desires for me. I can't even begin to describe how awesome life is now that Jesus is my savior. I am eternally grateful. There is no more darkness to condemn me. God's mercies are new every morning. God constantly reminds me life here is temporary, and I am eternally his.

"My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior" (Luke 1:46-47).

comment

Posted by: Zach Hoag | August 7, 2009 | Leave a Comment(1)

This is Trevor's continuing Redemption Story called Diaries of a Newborn Christian. Enjoy.

Diaries of a Newborn Christian
Chapter 2: The Beginning

So, with all the things going on and all this love the Hoags were putting on us, I folded and told them I would go. So we loaded up the kids and my nephews for an evening of church in the frigid temperatures of a January Sunday night. When we got to there I was greeted by the loving arms of Jim and Bobbi Hoag, the parents of Zach and Nick. They ripped our kids out of our hands and took off with them. We are always second now that we have children. As I gazed around the room I saw that this church was in need of a better place. It was humble and small, maybe it was just the way they liked it. The place had some benches and folding chairs, the place was the size of a typical New England living room. In the center stood a lone microphone and to the side stood the band/musician. There were some snacks/drinks off to the rear of the room where you could help yourself. This wasn’t your typical looking church scene. There weren’t any little old lady’s with too much perfume on and singing way out of key or anything like that. The crowd was small there were a lot of young people, couples and some traveler looking folks. I later found out those folks were from the homeless shelter. I’m such a judgmental person, I instantly wrote them off as no better then scum looking for a handout. Taking advantage of my good friend’s nature. I instantly disliked them all for being there and ruining my first time at Zach’s church...

Now that my condemning was over I could focus on the task at hand. Let’s see what’s going on, see why everyone is all about “THIS” church. As Zach started to speak I listened as best as a guy with no interest could listen. I heard him speaking at me instead of speaking to me. That’s the wall I put up doing its job, blocking the non-sense and random information I don’t need out. I drifted about the room and looked around. I saw my babies and how happy they were with Bobbi and Jim, coloring, snacking, laughing and having fun. I could see my nephews actually paying attention and looking like they belonged their. I saw other couples holding hands and intently watching Zach’s every word as if it was spoken straight to them. I saw the travelers looking at the ground as if they were mock praying to the Lord. I sneered in their general direction.

Then a change happened and some little emo looking guy got up with his guitar and started singing some church songs I’ve never heard. He prayed/talked to the Lord a lot before the song and he says the Lord's name a lot before he finally started the song. One thing I can say at that moment, I heard the words spoken to me for the first time that night. I love music, and if it’s good music, I’m really listening. This little emo looking guy could sing! I was blown away at his voice, so angelic and powerful. He didn’t sound like a high pitched kick in the pants singer, it’s really the most perfect pitch I have ever heard out of a man. I instantly hated him because he was so awesome, envy is an ugly thing.

When emo guy stopped singing the room was a little more alive and brighter to me. One thing that happened during the whole song process, I saw the travelers singing almost every word of those songs. I thought to myself, “Oh, knock it off, fakers.” Even still, they new more about what was going on then I. My glare softened a little bit, just a little. Zach came back to speak some more about the devil and some other religious mumbo jumbo that I don’t recall at this moment. Coming to a close, Zach gave a final prayer. As most people bowed their head to pray I looked around the room to see who was praying or at least pretending to pray. My head was the only head not bowed in prayer, my nephews were even praying, show-off's. When Zach finished the room didn’t empty out like a typical church. They weren’t running off to get out of their church gear and into comfortable clothes, nope, they all hung around and talked. Like a family does on a family night, just speaking to each other. I met the emo guy, his name is Josh and I told him he was alright. I didn’t want him to know I thought he had the best voice I’ve ever heard. Pfft, who does that? I didn’t want him to have a big head or feel good about the talent God gave him or anything like that, nope, just keep them leveled... Yeah. I met a lot of people that night and I felt good in that community of people and that church of love, it was really refreshing. As the night grew on we all filed out in an appropriate fashion, we said our good-byes and we drove off into the night back to our warm homes and soft beds. On the ride home I had my nephews in my car and something peculiar happened, they both asked me so many questions about God and the Devil and religion and how was that a church, I couldn’t answer all their questions. I told them that I was learning myself.

The last comment of the religious night we had was by my youngest nephew, he’s 8. "Uncle worm, that’s a church I wouldn’t mind going back to." I just smiled and thought, me too buddy, me too.


Till next time,
Trevor

comment

Posted by: Zach Hoag | August 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment(2)

This post introduces a mega-series on the Dwellblog called Redemption Story, which will feature real stories from real people who have come to know Christ within the Dwell community. And we are kicking things off with a bang - a multi-installment account from Trevor Rushford called Diaries of a Newborn Christian.

Trevor is a writer and storyteller by nature...and even his nighttime job has him using those storytelling (or story-yelling) skills in his VT hardcore band Blinded by Rage. I've known Trev for a long time which will explain his fun-poking references to me and my family throughout this epic tale. Because Trev is an, er, honest guy, he wanted me to include a disclaimer before I posted these, but I'm not gonna: I think they will stand as a heartfelt story of transformation through the gospel-work of the Spirit.

Here's part one. Enjoy.

-------------------------

Diaries of a Newborn Christian
Chapter 1

The months before the day:

The spring of 2009 was a hard spring and I’m still suffering the effects of the early hardships of the economy today. My job was laying me off every other day and I was not making a substantial living. Credit cards were getting used to their max and paychecks were small and the debt is huge. My brother was now heading to dialysis 3 days a week for his Lupus. His kidneys have failed and now transfusions make up half of his life. My mother is further away then she’s ever been emotionally. My father just got over his first knee surgery and seems to have a shorter temper then ever, if that’s possible. My grandmother is very ill and my grandfather is recovering from a bad car accident. My wife and I have been tested time and time again with our patience and anger with each other and the situations we were and still are in. I thank God I married a patient and forgiving woman, anybody else probably would have bailed a long time ago with no second thoughts. The kids are great, a beacon of light and a driving energy for us to hold on to.

With all these negative things going on in my life some positives were coming through, I reconnected with an old friend that I thought perhaps, I would never see again in entirety, a passing memory of a distant old childhood friend. Zach Hoag, what can I say about this guy so you can understand his character through these diaries. He’s passionate about his faith, he’s a loving husband, a great son and super cool older brother. His love for life is genuine and unique, unique in the way that you don’t see in a lot of people. When he talks, he talks with confidence and charisma, you can’t help but listen. I kept in touch with him as I felt it was right and that I needed to. I’m super glad I did, I met his lovely wife Kalen for the second time and what an amazing person she is. I mean, I met her before, at their wedding, but really, how can you really get to know them at their wedding. Hey congrats on getting hitched, now tell me your life story now that I’m here, doesn’t really work that way. What a beautiful wedding day it was, they were both glowing and very much in love. Kalen is as quirky and honest as they come, she has a real wonderful nature that is so genuine that it’s hard to pick on her when she goofs up, but I do any way. 168 tiles...

Our two families hung out a little, just played some games and got a little bit closer each time. Then I guess our place was the happening place, because before we knew it, Nick and Joy Hoag joined the parties, not really parties, more like game nights. Nick and Joy, let me explain them to you: Nick Hoag, well, Nick was the little runt of our childhood, he was so little and so sweet that we couldn’t help but pick on him and his little mouse voice. Nick has grown up now to be a 6 foot something Abercrombie surfer guy. He grew muscles, and an appetite for competition and is just an awesome guy, but still with a squeaky voice. His beautiful wife Joy is an amazing young girl, she is sweet honest and has a smile that brightens any room she enters. I look forward to watching them grow into each other and into life.

As it so happens, Zach has started a church and he was about to embark on the road of ultimate faith, he was becoming a pastor and was going to build a church for the community of Burlington VT. I was super stoked when he shared this with me and told me all the awesome things he had planned for and wanted to have happen. I told him how proud I was of him to live his dream and I was pumped to watch dreams become reality. I envied him for his fortitude. With all this greatness going on around me my rusty wheels started turning. I thought, Oh crap, he’s going to ask me to go to his church. I hate church with so much passion that I can’t explain it to you in words. Now, when I think of church, I think of a Catholic Church: droning, mundane, monotone, go through the motions… Snore fest.. Stand up, sit down, stand up, sing this, eat this wafer, and pray, blah, blah, blah… Forget it, instant wall and instant lies, “Yea buddy, I’ll check that out”, pffffttt, NOT. You see, my love for the Hoags ended there, religion and church. For years they have tried to explain it to me, I have the Bibles to prove it. As much as I wanted to try, I couldn’t get over all the crap I was seeing in the world from religious leaders and followers to even be associated with religion, let alone CHRISTIANS!! Child molestation, money hungry robes, more bling than 50 Cent at a video shoot. No thank you. My wife is very non-religious. "Atheist," I believe, is what society has labeled her type. We are too modern and upbeat to take a 20th century step backwards.

“Well, it’s not like that Trevor," Zach explains to me after a few nervous moments of the initial question in question. It’s waaay different than the conformity of a Catholic church. We are not in an actual church for starters, we are in a room that holds about 25 to 30 people comfortably. I said that’s cool. He also went on about a guy who sings songs and how they pray together, blah, blah, blah.. Love ‘em to death, but when I’m not interested, I stop listening, it’s an ugly blueprint in my head that I have a hard time letting go of or even controlling. I smiled and nodded a lot and tried to be nice about it. We kept hanging out and he kept talking about it and I kept smiling and nodding. Just like the penguins in Madagascar, “Just smile and wave boys, just smile and wave.” Though, alone, I did think about it occasionally, analyzing certain aspects of his points and my great reasoning. I did want him to be successful and I did want to be apart of it because it did seem really amazing what he was doing. Plus, what else was I going to do, watch TV, sleep, mow the lawns, do chores, suddenly, church seemed better and better.

(Next week I'll discuss doing my time in the Church for the first time.)

Trevor

 

comment